What is it about guilt and motherhood? You try to leave the hospital all happy and guilt-free when, "Excuse me, ma'am? I believe you forgot your guilt. Here, we packed some extra for you." I cried all the way home from the hospital because I couldn't believe they let us leave with her. I mean, I forget things. I drop things!
Couldn't they tell how unprepared I was?!?
It's been almost three months now, and she seems to be surviving. The guilt and doubt, however, are also growing.
- I thought we were doing well trying to prevent a flat spot on her head, then I realized last night that her skull was getting crooked because she favors one side to sleep on. I got her a sleep positioner to try to squish it back the other way before it gets too noticable. Meanwhile I'm staring obsessively at her face to make sure that's not getting crooked, too. Seriously, do we really need this grossly exaggerated illustration? Is anyone going to let their baby's head get that misshapen?
- I felt terrible for leaving her in her crib crying after she barfed all over me including down in my bra to the point that a shower was the only option for clean up. So I showered really quickly and rocked her an extra long time to put her to sleep. Then I drank a glass of wine. Okay, two glasses.
- She's been constipated and spitting up more than usual. Is she allergic to soy, too? Am I mixing the formula wrong? Am I overfeeding? Does she have some weird, terrible disease and I haven't taken her to the doctor yet? Ack!!!
- She likes her pacifier, but using it to keep her quiet means I'm slacking on comforting her in other ways. Well, sometimes all that will comfort her is sucking on a hunk of rubber (but only the Soothie pacifier from the hospital). We'll certainly get rid of it before she's talking, but for now it's a part of our lives.
- I wussed out on breastfeeding, and now she apparently won't reach her full mental potential. I suppose it probably would have gotten better, but I was dreading feeding my child. I was crying almost as hard as she was because I couldn't stand the pain. Now my wimpiness is going to ruin her life forever. Well, maybe only most of it. I did manage to give her mostly breast milk for the first 11 days or so.
- Worst of all, I have to go back to work next week and she has to go to daycare. I don't really want to go back and work, but I do miss interacting with other adult humans. It will be a glorious day when I can have a conversation with someone besides Doug, Penny, my Mom or the dogs and babies aren't the main topic. Of course that means I will have to regain the capability to think clearly about something besides babies.